Welland, you are a cruel and sexy mistress.

"Excuse me, what ethnicity are you?"
"...Pardon?"
"What ethnicity are you?"

"Uh, I have Greek grandparents..." etc. and so forth.

This is what I heard in the aisle over from mine before I decided to scope out the weirdo. I strolled casually -- if strolling can be done in such a way -- to the other end of the store to a row of shelves parallel to where the random was striking up awkward conversation with the pretty girl.

I got a good look at him. His overly-polite and creepy tone had given the vibe that he was some perverted after-hours businessman (although his reasons for being in a clearance store between 9 and 5 would be unbeknownst to me if that were indeed the case). Instead, clad in possibly unwashed Walmart homie gear, fluffy unkempt hair and unfashionably plain glasses, he looked like any Wellander you might see on streets such as Crowland or King.

The girl ended the conversation and I became distracted by some nozzle-less bottles of root-enhancing spray. Kneeling down to look for a product of the same brand, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that same stranger creeping around to the side of the aisle that I was in. My peripherals indicated he was opening his mouth to speak to me. I stood up sharply as if remembering I had left the oven on, and bolted out of the store.

Thinking to myself, "What would I say if he asked me that same question, when that other girl was likely still only five steps away from him?", I decided he probably wasn't even about to talk to me. I haven't really got a noticeable 'ethnicity' anyway.

However, the sound of footfalls did distract me from this conclusion. At that point, I was nearly half a mall's length away from the store where this all took place, and in the reflection in a store window, I noticed it was in fact, our story's crazy person.**

[**I wouldn't call him crazy for asking about someone's ethnicity, but his tone of voice, the sheer randomness of it all, combined with his following me around the mall did creep me out a smidge.]

Anyway, arriving at the store nearest the parking lot my car was in, I deked out the goof by faking a right (it looked like his plan was to cut ahead and stop me from in front because at this point he was looking back at me as he went down an aisle parallel to the way I was going), then veering back left when he couldn't see me and pretending to be on my phone just in case.

I escaped unharmed, and especially weirded out.

So if someone at the Seaway Mall asks you your ethnicity, run. He looked and sounded just a little bit rape-y, and that's the kind of thing we should all work to prevent.

Lions, Monkeys, and Marijuana

This is the greatest story to hit the Welland Tribune in years. I guess I was right when I was one of 500 locals to have spotted (heh) a jaguar in the past 10 years! This needs to make international news.

Not a creature was stirring, not even a ...

I dedicate this poem to the lowly critter we caught trying to steal hubcaps from a vehicle in the driveway last night. He left at the scene (1) a screwdriver, (2) the hubcap he meant to take with him, (3) a freshly picked tomato from the garden, and (4) a sullied reputation.

And Miklos in his kerchief (or the bathroom) and I in my cap (or PJs),
We'd just settled down (or were about to) for a long summer's nap (or sleep);
When out of the yard, there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter;
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash;
The sensor-light on the garage that we know,
Gave the lustre of mid-day to all things below;
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a dirty little boy, who was trembling with fear;

His eyes -- how they shifted! his hair, little there-y!
His cheeks were so greasy, his eyes two red cherries!
His thin little lips were beginning to quiver,
Too young for a beard, no description to deliver;
The screwdriver, yellow, he dropped in his fright,
And the hubcap that fell lay there still in the night;
He was skinny and wimpy with the face of a chimp,
A tomato, he'd picked from the garden, that shrimp.

So down, down we dashed to the driveway below,
Miklos yelled "Hey, get up!" to the dumb shmoe;
The boy crouched behind ye olde pickup truck,
In his haste and noise, had just run out of luck;
But the boy popped up quickly, and ran for his life;
I would have too, Miklos has a sweet knife;
The cops they were called, and we all just giggled;
Chuckling about the hubcap and tomizzle;
So if Welland's your home and you're stealing our caps,
We hope you enjoy the unripened tomates.

Up at 5:30am, drive home from Welland, drive back to Welland upon mother's request, stress out a while over lack of laundry done, lunch, wedding, Ellie tribute, sleep, market, nap, drive, movie night at my second home, sleep, lunch, work, photo run to Hamilton with Miklos, hometime. I'm forgetting a lot. It's been a busy weekend (especially that nap part). Listen, I'm going to bed. More tomorrow.

My Hometown...

Manhole kills man

Dove in for Canadian Tire money

Lauran Sabourin, CHCH News

Published: Tuesday, February 26, 2008

A Welland man has died in a freak accident.
He fell down a sewer Tuesday morning, trying to retrieve money he accidentally dropped through the grate.
Paramedics frantically attempted CPR on the victim, a middle aged man more than 250 pounds who became trapped head first in a sewer outside the Kimono restaurant on Niagara Street. His head was in water about four feet down.
The rescue crew's only option was to pull him out using a tow truck.
"They hooked him up, they put a safety harness on him, they got his feet out because he fell in head-first, we pulled him out nice and slow" Mike St Amand/pulled victim out
Ron Beauparlant saw the man bent over the manhole cover this morning, but he thought he was a member of a work crew:
"About half-hour, 45 minutes later, I see all these trucks and ambulances and I says, oh the guy obviously fell in."
The big question: why did the victim use a crowbar to wedge the cover off the manhole?
The victim had accidently dropped some Canadian Tire money and some change down the sewer. He lifted up the manhole cover and bent down in an attempt to retreive it.
The victim was not conscious when they pulled him out. They worked on him in the back of the ambulance but it was futile.
The area is cordoned off while police continue their investigation.

Um, oh. I'm serious. That actually happened in Welland today.
The article's headline... too soon?